her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My bed is full of blood and feathers
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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