he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
