Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The police scanner is talking about you again....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
