the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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