Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
