i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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