i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
