eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
