he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
