At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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