Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
