That's intense
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
