my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
