Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
