i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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