I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
