Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Success! We fucked roommates!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
