I can text with my tongue
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
