Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
