I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
