Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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