Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
