woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
