Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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