does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
