the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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