and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Randomize
