the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
