Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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