Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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