I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
