jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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