(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
