I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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