this just has baby written all over it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
