Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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