Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
