did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
