That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
