Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My breasts were aching with rage.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
