Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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