is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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