when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
be right there i have to get my cape
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
