my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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