you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
