Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
