I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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