I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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