I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
