Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
