i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My Higher Power is John Stamos
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
