Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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