Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
