After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
