someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
third nipple confirmed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
