There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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