it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize