Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
