I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
