Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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