whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize