dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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