he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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