JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
