found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
