i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
